I had the idea to write a letter to myself today. Sounds a bit weird, but I’m going to give it a go. This week has felt hard again. There’s no real pattern to how I feel and when, which means I’m in constant anticipation of what’s to come. So on a ‘better’ day, I’m already thinking that a ‘bad’ day must be just around the corner. Or sometimes an okay morning is followed by a horrendous afternoon. I just never know, so try to stay in the moment as much as is humanly possible.
When my thoughts get really bad, my mind feels such a mess that the doorway out is blocked. I try to talk about how I feel, and friends support me, reminding me that my brain is playing tricks on me, and that there will be better days again. I can’t see it though. In that moment, I really think that my thoughts are true, and my friends just aren’t privy to that truth. I fall deeper into my own thought hole and try to scramble out, hoping that soon the door will open again and some light will make its way back through.
So, today I wake up, I do a yoga class (which I actually enjoy), I go for a long walk and talk everything through with a friend. I had this weird manic energy that I needed to burn off, and maybe it was a sort of emotion hangover from the bad day yesterday. I blab and I blab and I blab to my friend, and she listens. I mean, I think my friends need a huge shout out generally. I talk about my darkest thoughts and moments, and these people genuinely want to listen and help me through, and for that I am truly grateful. I notice while I’m talking that my perspective has hugely shifted in the space of a day. It’s these moments where I think “Is there something wrong with me?” How can I be in such a dark place one day, and feel that I have more clarity the next? I don’t have the answer to that. But I thought, how do I remind myself on the awful, suffocating, crushing days that the door from my mind will open again, and the light will peak through? This is where I thought writing myself a letter might be helpful. So here goes…
Dear Charlotte (already feels weird but I’ll persist),
I see you on your darkest days, and I’m with you. I want you to know that you are loved, cared for, and safe. You actually told yourself this every night before you went to bed in those first couple of months, when sleep wouldn’t come and you were constantly frightened. Remember how you felt then? You didn’t think you’d ever be able to sleep again and now you do. You thought that you would live in a permanent state of anxiety, and you don’t anymore. You couldn’t imagine how you would ever believe that this had actually happened. You still can’t believe it, I know. It’s too much for anyone’s brains to take. You didn’t ask for this, and you are still in shock. I know things still feel rubbish right now, and the pain won’t ever ‘go away’, as you sometimes wish it would. I know you’re scared that this means that you’ll never live again, you’ll never be happy or be able to enjoy life in any way. But you will. You will carry the pain with you, and grow your life around it. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love Jordan as much, in fact, in means that you love him so much, that you will not disrespect his wishes and hopes for you. Jordan loved your optimism and positive outlook on life. He knows you are strong and brave, and have already been through a lot. Remember what he would want for you, although I know that feels impossible on those difficult days because the pain is so strong.
It’s really awful when the person who usually comforts you is the person who has left. It’s not fair, and I know that you feel like a stroppy child when you say this. But it’s really not. You’re a good person and you don’t deserve this pain. I know this because you question every little memory you have, and are looking for a clue that tells you that this is your fault, that you did something wrong. You do this because you are a good person, and you love Jordan very much, which is why you drive yourself crazy wondering what you could have done.
On the bad days, you focus in on ‘negatives’, looking for evidence that you could have saved him. But I’m here to tell you that you are excluding a huge opposing evidence-base (you really sound like a psychologist now). You are not looking clearly at the amazing relationship that you and Jordan had. If love were enough to save him, he would still be here, because he had it in abundance from a hoard of incredible people around him. Remember the memories you have together, remember the connection that you had. He knew that you were there for him and that he could talk to you. You cannot be inside someone’s head, and you did not know that this would happen. This was not because of you or anything you or anyone else did. It is unfathomable to know how the pain he experienced feels, and this is what led him to that place that day.
I need to remind you that you’re worthy, and that you deserve to live again one day. Please hold onto hope, and be kind to yourself (not very good at this now are we). Don’t think too far ahead, it’ll only freak you out and make you feel sad that Jord won’t be there. There are hard times to come, I won’t lie to you. Reaching certain milestones this year will be bittersweet (maybe even just bitter). Jordan wanted these things for you, so if you do enjoy them, or feel a small shred of happiness or pride, that’s also okay. You don’t have to feel guilty in these moments. You have worked hard personally and professionally. Jordan was your number 1 fan, and the day you earn that doctorate, he will still be with you. I feel sad even saying that to you, because I know it feels really awful to think he won’t be there as you imagined. He’s still with you on this journey though, remind yourself what he would say to you when times feel hard. You will miss him always, and more in these times. I want to tell you that you will get through though. I’m not sure how, but you’ve had a 100% success rate so far.
I know it still doesn’t feel real, and maybe it never will. Try not to panic about this and remember that you’re swept up in a pandemic too. You have too much time on your hands, and rumination is rife. You work through it though, and you always will. You talk about holding hope for people when they can’t hold it for themselves- I think an old supervisor used that phrase once and you’ve always hung onto it. You’re stepping into a whole load of ‘news’ this year, and it’s going to be overwhelming at times. Use the support around you. Write. Laugh. Cry. Read. Do what you need to do. Try not to worry too much about other people when you need to focus on prioritising yourself. I know this is easier said than done, because it doesn’t come naturally to you.
You are brave, resilient, kind, and loving. Remember that you must be good if Jordan loved you. Hold onto the things he would say about you. Keep going, and hold hope.
Love,
You xxx
So, yeah, that felt kind of strange, but also kind of empowering. I don’t believe all of those things fully either, even on a ‘better’ day like today. I will see if I can read this back to myself on a worse day. Maybe it will help, and maybe it won’t, but it’s worth a try. I also hope it can speak to others, whatever you may be going through right now. It’s a time of huge difficulty for many people, for many reasons. My message to you would be to be kind to yourself and others, be grateful for what you have, and hold hope that things can and will get better. I’m going to end with a poem I wrote last week (I think). I’ve always felt like my pain on the outside is no match for what I feel on the inside, and part of this is because I guess I choose who I share this pain with, as it’s overwhelming revealing your broken heart to too many people (although, here I am). I hope that uncovering my vulnerabilities in this way can be of some help to some people, and potentially mean that we learn to share our pain more with one another. I think that’s happening more generally in lockdown, and think we can take a lot away from this for the future.
Cracked heart
Every day I wake up
and my heart shatters all over again
but it has not healed
from the previous break
and the cracks become scars
that will die with me