As ever, I’m not really sure what this post will be about. But I do know writing usually helps. Unfortunately, writing my thesis doesn’t quite have the same effect, and that’s what I should really be doing right now. Instead, I’m in bed, having spent most of the morning crying and feeling like I can’t face the day. This isn’t a cry for help or an attempt to have lots of people reach out to see if I’m okay, it’s just my attempt to continue to be honest about what this experience is really like. I woke up after a strange dream involving Jordan, after going to sleep feeling his presence around me. This is sort of comforting, but also really shit, because it reminds me that his physical presence will never be felt again. Jordan lit up every room, and would put a smile on anyone’s face. I wish he had been able to see that, and it feels so surreal that he won’t ever do that again. There are so many days where life feels manageable, and sometimes I can even say I’ve had a ‘good’ day. But today isn’t one of them (so far).
My dip started on Saturday really, although, I have been self-isolating since Thursday, and this was a bit of a blow with having moved into my new house a week previous. However, I knew this could happen at some point, and I was determined to use the time to focus on myself. I’m usually so busy and active, I thought maybe this was the universe’s way of telling me to slow down and reconnect. And maybe the sadness I’m feeling now is part of that, but it’s really bloody hard when you can’t then have some social interaction at some point during your day (that’s not via video call).
So Saturday, I had had a ‘good’ day with a yoga class in the morning and 3 hours of cleaning, which is pure bliss for me. I find cleaning mindful, and it allows me to switch off from my thoughts for a bit. By the evening time I was feeling relaxed and fairly content. I made myself a DELICIOUS (if I do say so myself) spag bol and sat down to watch TV. I’d remembered earlier that day that Strictly was going to be on, and it made me anxious thinking about it because although I love Strictly, it reminds me so much of Jordan as we used to watch it together. BUT, I told myself, these are happy memories, it’s okay to feel a little sad thinking about them because he’s not here now. I ate half of my dinner and suddenly burst into tears. It’s not the first time I’ve cried into a meal (there was also a lasagne that his mum used to make us, which I cried into because he’d eat about 4 portions in one sitting and loved it so much). As with most couples, food was such a big part of our relationship, and Jordan loved my cooking. I sat and cried as I thought about how much Jordan would have enjoyed the meal (I happened to get it particularly right on this occasion). I cried thinking about this time last year, and how much I loved our Saturday nights in winter. I cried thinking about how Jordan would have loved my house and isn’t here to see it. It’s just a huge wave of ‘what the fuck’ in these moments. It makes no sense that I’m sat here on the sofa, eating this meal, in my house, with Jordan’s cat, but he’s not here anymore. And he will never be here again. I felt physically sick and it was hard to shift that feeling for the rest of the night. I tossed and turned in bed because my mind felt so active, and the glass of red wine probably didn’t help either to be honest.
Moving into my new house has been a huge roller coaster of emotions, as I knew it would be. On the morning of the move, I woke up feeling okay, a bit of anxiety brewing in my stomach but that seemed normal for a big life event day. I needed to do something to keep busy, so decided to order some stuff from ScrewFix and go and collect it. It’s just a shop, but on the drive over I was hit with another huge wave of emotion. ScrewFix was a place that Jordan and I would visit pretty much every weekend, as he was doing up his house. Again it made me think about this time last year. We were discussing plans for the house, and I had no idea what was to come. It makes me wonder if he did, and those unanswered questions that loved ones have after someone dies by suicide are unbearable. When did you know? Why didn’t you tell me? So I let the tears come. I go home, and tell my housemate, and more tears come. When something used to feel sad, I would catastrophise massively and think that because I felt sad about it, the whole thing was ruined and I’d never feel any happiness about anything in my life ever again. I know it sounds dramatic, but when you’re in that mindset, it feels like everything in life is tainted, and you’ll never feel the same about anything ever again. However on that day, I knew that I would feel multiple emotions throughout the day. It was okay to feel sad in the morning, and then excited once I got the keys, then sad again a little later. I’ve definitely learnt that experiences in my life now will come with multiple emotions all at once, and that’s okay. I’ve also tried to let go of some guilt I have about my life moving forward in different ways. Life doesn’t wait, it carries on going and drags you along with it whether you like it or not. And by letting myself go with it, I’ve found that I can experience moments of happiness and contentment again, as well as feeling the full force of my grief and pain.
Grieving during this year in particular feels like a total shit show. The whole world has been turned upside down, and everything feels so surreal anyway. Sometimes I genuinely feel like we’re in some sort of film about the end of the world, and it feels really scary. Not being able to connect with people I love in the same way has been torture, as I know if covid hadn’t happened this year, I would have been around people so much more. Not just for distraction, but to receive the love, care and nurture that you need when you’re grieving. I’m SO lucky that I get this in so many ways from my friends and family, and I couldn’t be more grateful. But nothing beats cuddles from your mum, or sitting with your best friend on the sofa watching tv. Nothing beats being able to have dinner with your family without the worry that you’ll infect them and they’ll become unwell. This pandemic sucks balls. And it’s okay to say that. When you’re grieving, the whole world feels uncertain. Your future feels like it’s been ripped away from you. You question the meaning of life. You question your purpose and the reason to keep going. You wonder if the future will hold what you hope it will. So on top of all of those questions, the uncertainty, and the pain you feel, covid feels pretty hard to tolerate. The not knowing when you’ll be able to see people again, the lack of distraction and being able to engage in the activities you usually enjoy and find pleasure in, the fear that you’ll lose someone else that you love. I have a huge, awful, gut-wrenching fear in my stomach that tells me that something bad will happen to someone I care about, and it’ll be my fault. I know this isn’t the case rationally, but Becky (my brain) likes to remind me of it every day. And of course, this is directly linked to my feelings around Jordan, and although I know that his death was not my fault, I think there will always be a part of me that feels that I could have prevented it. It used to scare me that I might always feel guilty and wish I could have done more, but I’ve accepted that I may never fully extinguish that guilt, and that’s okay. I think fighting with that guilt and worry will just make it worse, so for now I accept it’s just where I’m at, and that allows me to not get stuck on it, fighting endlessly with Becky to no avail.
What we’re all facing now is a world of uncertainty, which is so hard for us to tolerate as humans. Realistically, we’re always facing a world on uncertainty, we just don’t know it. But the threat is so real right now, and I will put my hand up and honestly say I’m feeling the effects of that.
I’m not really feeling like this today, but on better days, I’ve thought about how I can use the current situation to learn about myself and grow as a person. I started to think about this during my counselling session last week, where my counsellor talked about my resilience given what I’ve been through in the past year. I obviously know that I’ve got through a hell of a lot so far, and still have much more to come in life I’m sure. But the way she framed it made a light go on in my head, helping me to realise that I do have the inner resources I need to make it through hard times. I actually asked a client once what she thought resilience meant and she said that it was when people didn’t let bad things affect them. I thought this was so interesting. It’s a word we use a lot and a word that I think people do interpret differently. To me, it’s about letting yourself feel all of the emotions that you have about everything that’s happened in your life. It’s then about knowing that you’ll be okay again once the storm passes. Right now, I don’t feel great, but I know that’s normal and I know that ultimately I can be okay again, whether that’s today, tomorrow, or some other time. It doesn’t mean I’m not resilient because my current situation is affecting me. I don’t need to ‘push’ through it and force myself to be productive or distract from how I’m feeling. Getting the balance can be hard though, and I talk about this in counselling too. How do I keep well and do what needs to be done but also let myself have the down days and not try to push away this pain? I’m definitely still learning how to do this.
My life has been so busy and hectic in so many ways this year, that sometimes it’s felt there’s little space for grief. Everything has changed so dramatically, and sometimes it’s almost like I’m living someone else’s life. The problem with not making space for grief and pain is that everything builds up, which is where I usually have a big outburst and realise I’ve been bottling these feelings up for a while. Now in isolation and living alone, I have what feels like A LOT of time. I’m beyond grateful to have a beautiful, cosy, and safe home that I can isolate in, and a stable job that means that I don’t have any of those worries that so many others have right now. I’m in a fortunate position in lots of ways, but I’m also struggling, and that’s okay too. Life isn’t a competition of whose problems are the worst.
I think I’ll look back on this time in my life and realise the strength and resilience I showed, wondering how I managed some days. But I also think it will show me that I can get through anything, despite how difficult it feels at times. I’m definitely focusing more on the simple things, like enjoying a cuddle with Tabby, or doing half hour of yoga. I’ve realised even more how important my loved ones are, and can’t wait to be able to connect with them again properly. I’m trying to accept that life isn’t as I planned, but it doesn’t mean that there is no future for me. I just wish Jordan had his future too because I believe he had so much more to give to the world.
I’ll end on a quote that my friend sent me this morning which felt appopriate and timely…
“… once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”