I’m writing quite a lot at the moment. But for some reason, I’ve been finding it hard to share some of what I’ve been writing, and I can’t put my finger on exactly why (maybe too raw, too personal, not ready, but I actually don’t know). This week I’ve been thinking about some things that I think a lot of people will relate to, whatever you’re going through right now.
I still have so many questions about what happened to Jordan. The thoughts whir around in my head like buzzing bees threatening to sting me again for the 100th time. But what I also know is I have no way of satisfying them. There are no answers to these questions. But they keep coming back; and what’s worse is, they evolve, they grow.
A few nights ago, a thought pops into my mind uninvited, just as I’m about to go to sleep. I won’t share the exact content of this, but the thought was looking to blame me for what happened to Jordan. The thought confirmed the awful sinking feeling I had in the pit of my stomach. The feeling that I was responsible for what happened. I wrote all of this in my journal and I could not find one single piece of ‘evidence’ that the thought was true, but I was still left with that feeling. I’m really tired of struggling with these thoughts and trying to confirm or disconfirm them. I’m tired of struggling to find non-existent answers to my endless list of questions. There is no ‘truth’ to be discovered. Nothing that I don’t already know that I will magically get an answer to now.
Mo Gawdat is a really interesting person, if you haven’t heard of him before. I listen to podcasts that he has been a guest on over and over again because the way he talks about his thoughts and the brain are so relatable and interesting. Mo speaks about your brain being like any other organ in your body (which it is, just a really powerful one!). He says:
“You don’t wake up and piss, and think, therefore I am piss”.
What he’s getting at is that we don’t observe a function orgininating from an organ elsewhere in our body and think that we are therefore that (i.e. piss), but we observe what happens in our brain (thoughts) and we think we are that (i.e. we think we are our thoughts). This just makes a lot of sense to me. He calls his brain ‘Becky’ (sorry to any Becky’s out there). So a friend has started referring to my brain as Becky too, telling her that she isn’t going to engage with her because she is nasty and attacking. And actually my brain is particularly nasty, because I’m a very self-critical person, and I care a lot about other people. I cared about Jordan so much, and the thought of failing him is really powerful in my brain. In some ways, I feel like my brain can’t quite compute that he is actually gone from this world, and that I will never see him again. I have several very surreal experiences throughout the day where I think ‘Jordan is dead’. I really hate that word, but I have no control over the thought coming into my head. When I have this thought, I feel a sense of utter disbelief. I feel physically sick, and have an awful sinking feeling in my stomach (I have it now writing this). The shock definitely isn’t as present now, despite these very strong waves throughout the day. In the first two months, I remember barely feeling conscious some days. But now it’s a different type of disbelief that I can’t really explain. I don’t know if that will ever wear off, maybe it will just change. Or maybe I’ll never fully believe that this has happened and he is gone.
Mo experienced a huge loss when he lost his son at the age of 21, due to a preventable medical error. He has had thoughts that he should’ve taken his son to a different hospital and he wouldn’t have died. He talks about not blaming the doctor, who never set out with the intention of killing his son that day. Losing his son in this way was horrific and he talks about the pain that he felt then, and of course still feels today. However, he said something that really resonated with me:
“Failure doesn’t always happen because we make a mistake”
To me, this made sense because I feel I failed Jordan in some way because he is no longer with us. But actually that wasn’t because of any ‘mistakes’ that myself or anyone else made. There are an infinite number of moments to look back on and wonder if we should have done things differently. There are so many things to question about what happened. However, I don’t believe that me or anyone else did anything ‘wrong’. We didn’t make ‘mistakes’. We all had the best intentions in what we did, as the doctor did for Mo’s son. However, what I’m finding is that it’s easier to ‘think’ something rationally, than it is to change that underlying feeling.
So I feel I’ve been really actively struggling a lot with all of this. Just going back and forth constantly and trying to ‘do’ something about it all. I’ve worried about not feeling okay and whether I will ever feel okay again. I’ve wondered how I’m meant to get through this, knowing that I won’t ever see Jordan again. I grieve for the life that he is not going to get to live. I grieve for my anticipated life. I could go on, because this is really just scratching the surface, but you get the picture. It is a constant battle that quite frankly, I will never win. The only way to win would be to get Jordan back, and I know that’s not possible.
So the other day, I was presented with this very simple equation that summed up a lot of what I have been going through recently:
Pain + struggling = suffering.
We naturally struggle with our pain, because it feels unbearable and we want to ‘get rid’ of it. I’m sure everyone can relate to this experience. I have these thoughts and feelings that I never thought I’d have to contend with, and I want them gone NOW. When will they be gone? When will I be free from them? Writing this makes me feel sad, because I think of Jordan, and I cannot even imagine the pain he was in. I’m not for one second comparing the pain I experience currently with anyone else’s pain, because I don’t know how it feels for anyone else. However, pain is an inevitable part of existence and we all experience that in varying degrees.
So what is the alternative to the struggle? In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), they talk about ‘willingness’. This refers to being willing to open up to your painful internal experiences, rather than struggling with them in an attempt to ‘get rid’ of them. So the idea is:
Pain + willingness = acceptance.
So what I know is that I am going to have to find a way to live with this pain, because it’s never going to hurt any less that we lost Jordan in this way. So rather than thinking about when it may feel less painful, I am actively choosing to sit alongside my pain. I’m ‘willing’ to let it in. Someone used an analogy the other day of inviting pain in, pulling up a chair and offering it a seat. That’s what I’m trying to do. It means I accept it for what it is, but I don’t try to struggle with it and cause myself more suffering. Sometimes I think part of struggling with pain is because there is a part of me that thinks I deserve to suffer more. This is what guilt will do to you. But, I am trying to be aware of when this happens and bow out from the battle with my mind. I write about all of these things but trust me, I can’t always apply them to myself. All I know is that I am trying.
I’m also aware that sometimes, it can sound simplistic to suggest that doing these things is just that ‘easy’. “Just don’t struggle with your pain and you’ll be fine”. No. This is not true and that’s why I won’t sit and say that I do all of this perfectly. I just hope that I can share some of the things that are helping me get through at the moment to see if they can help anyone else at all. So, I will share what I’m doing to try and shift from ‘struggling’ with my thoughts and feelings to having a ‘willingness’ to open up to them:
- Practicing mindfulness- I mainly do this through yoga, as well as trying to focus my awareness on the breath to ground me when I am feeling overwhelmed throughout the day. I also find that it helps to try to channel mindfulness into everyday activities, such as walking and making a cup of tea. All this requires is for your focus to be in the present moment and on the activity at hand, observing your experiences in a non-judgemental way and accepting them for what they are.
- Letting go of expectations- All of these worries I have about not doing enough (common for most people at the moment), expecting to be ‘okay’ again one day, expecting that the country might reopen some time this year etc etc, do not serve any purpose other than to make me suffer more. I generally have high expectations of myself, and when I feel that I haven’t ‘achieved’ these (e.g. by not doing ‘enough’ work one day), I feel that I have failed, which then makes me feel worse about myself and compounds all the negative thoughts and feelings I’m already having. So, I am trying to let go of expecting anything of myself at any given time. I am literally focusing on getting through each day, because who knows what might happen tomorrow? I’m not trying to force any moments of happiness, or pretend that I’m okay when I’m not. I am just going to ‘be’, and focus on this over ‘doing’. I actually find I get more done this way any way, so there is nothing to lose other than maybe feeling a bit better.
- Journalling- I’m spending around an hour a day, usually before bed, writing down my thoughts and feelings. I do this in different ways, sometimes I literally just write down a page of feelings, other times I splurge like I’m writing a novel. I find it helpful to get my thoughts out of my head and onto a page.
- I choose what I engage in and if it’s helpful for me or not. It’s hard because I often don’t know what will be most helpful for me, or what I want to do. But, I am trying to just decide that in the moment, without judging myself for it or looking back and feeling bad that I did or didn’t do something. This time is so weird, and the ‘novelty’ of it all has worn off now. I was planning every day, engaging in loads of zoom calls, and feeling that I was actually coping okay with lockdown and grief. But actually, I don’t feel like doing it that way anymore, and that’s okay. Instead, at the moment I am being looser with my time. That’s working better for me at the moment because of the expectations thing. It also makes every day not feel so ‘groundhod day-y’. Do what works for you and try not to feel any pressure from what other people may be doing.
- I’m also thinking about what’s important to me. Despite my pain, what I can do at the moment is choose to engage in activities that are in line with my values, and with what is important to me. This includes spending time with my family, keeping in touch with friends, exercising, and my work. Doing these things give me a sense of purpose and helps me to think about what I want to do with my life, when everything feels quite scary and out of control right now.
The main message I’d like to send to everyone right now is this: however difficult things get, you can make it through. I have a picture of Jordan on my desk with a small block next to it that says ‘hope’ on it, and it is my reminder throughout the day to hold onto that hope. If you relate to anything I’ve said in this post, please be kind to yourself, as I am trying to practice (and then failing and being hard on myself about that). It’s all a process, but we can make it through darker days, if we try to not put too much pressure on when things might feel lighter again.